My mum recently converted our security house to å shop

Day 1

My mum recently converted our security house to å shop.
I wasnt comfortable. The aboki was my friend already. Now he's jobless. Hian!  I asked her why, she said:

" Ayo, we need money. Only God can protect us in this country. Forget this aboki people. They are only here to finish our money ånd food. As you're downstairs now, If one armed robber should appear now ånd shoot small gun, they will join us to run upstairs o !They will follow you ånd drag your own door. No shame. Ånd if they enter before you, they will even lock you outside. Forget them. Ees only God that can save biko. Kpata Kpata, I have 'beware of dogs' poster . We will put it outside. Thiefs will even fear us more sef. Hopefully, one neighbour will help us to buy dog in future."
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I thought about it finally. Who aboki epp?

Las las,I became å sales girl by default.  No pay. Nothing. But I have to pay for everything I take in the shop.
"Nothing is ever free in free town. " Mum would say.
Øya Madam pay me or get yourself å sales person.
Mba! The woman would resort to emotional blackmail. Trust mothers!

" Ayo, I am your mother.( like I don't know before.) I carried you for 9 months. You weighed 5kg at birth. You have no idea what I went through. It is this your big head that tore my nyash. This is how you repay me. By staying in my shop. It is not too much."
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Okay. No wahala.Brothers ånd sisters in Christ that was how I became å shop keeper. E bami kira fun mama mi!
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You see ehn! When I tell you people that man will not kill me, you will think I am joking.
That was how i was in the shop, and this super fine boy came to buy cocacola.

For those that followed BBnaija very well, did you see that constant cocacola advert where that lady almost used eyes to rape that fine boy that came to drink coke in her shop?

Ehen! That incident exactly, was replayed right in my mother's shop. My eyes was just  shamelessly roaming all over fine boy. i couldn't epp eet. I knew I appeared rapey but ehn....Kai! Bobo yen må gbono sha! O hot baje!
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Forget that 'wife not cook' movement you people are doing inside this facebook o. I can cook all the days of my life for this wan! I will even bathe him if neccesary gaan sef.

Looking at him alone, my mind has already started singing Mayorkun's "Mama" .
"Baby I go tåke care of youuuu pass nanny. Are you getting me? Are you getting me?...Your mama born you. Your mama born you well o. Ånd ya beautiful too. I wantu hold you. Boy I love you...dgzzzz"

Then he said:"Gimme plastic coke!"
What my village people interpreted: " How are you dear?".

So I replied "fine. Hehehhe I am fine thank you." While flashing him my toothpaste commercial perfect smile like an illiterate.

He smiled in return. My belle o! I almost fell of my seat. Waaawu! God really collected leave from himself,  to create some people. See teeth! See smile! See eyes! Plus biabiar! Neat one o! Not all this ones I'm seeing here on facebook. I'm talking about utterly neat beards! Not you people's poorly groomed biabia that is begging for retirement.

People of God to be frank, leave  Ogechukwu and her bacteria preaching. I almost begged for å kiss. You can say I'm shameless. Thank you.
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Then fine boy brought out loads of one thousand naira notes, ånd flashed one of them notes in my face. I reached for it.
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"Get the coke first dear." He replied, while withholding his money.
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I was hypnotized. He even called me dear. My uterus started doing frog jump. Kuku kill me. So with the speed of lightening, I smiled widely at him, dashed to the fridge, brought out å can of coke ånd handed it over to him.
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"Thank you!  So can I have my change?" He exclaimed.

I reached for my mum's purse hanging on my neck, ånd brought out 850 naira.

While I was doing that, so many thoughts were going through my mind.

"Waawu!  Bobo yi må ni home training! This wan is really å catch. Only few nigerians say thank you after buying things with their own money! In this recession for that matter! Recession that has turned Nigerians to children of anger.
Lawd!Is he really a Nigerian?  Maybe he isnt. Nigerians are not fine laidis. Okay he can be rich.! Or Maybe he is just a feminist sef. Yes he must be å feminist."
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Brethren, there was nothing I didnt think of in my mind, within that short time. Just as I was about to hånd over the 850 naira change to him, my Igbo bloodline jolted me back to reality. Then i suddenly realized. Fine boy hasnt paid me. Jisoooos! Onyeolu ebube! Wetin I for tell my mama? Å whole graduate like me.
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"Er....exkiss me Såh, you haven't given me money o.".

Fine boy smiled innocently. " Girls ånd games.... Dear, check well. I just gave you a thousand naira note. Didnt you see me bring it out?" He replied
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"Yes. You brought out a couple of notes but you didnt gimme any wan. You said I shu bring coke fez. Check well please." I added sexily. While smiling and gesticulating with my hands. At least, lemme try ånd see if my newly painted peach colored nails, wee epp me to seduce Bobo small.
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"Hahahha stop playing games girl! I need my change. I don't really have the luxury of time. Quit the whole Q&A talk. Besides I have ten thousand naira here. I just used the ATM so gimme my change!".

Because I am a christian woman with home training, I begged fine boy to recount his money, but he refused. Instead he started shouting ånd threatening to pull down my protector ånd cart away all my money.The more I pleaded with him, the more monstrous fine boy became.
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Immediately,it dawned on me that fine boy could actually be one of this godforsaken criminals my mum warned me about. This could actually be another strategy from the pit of hell, in collaboration with my village people, to reduce me to the level of an educated illiterate plus JJC in front of my mum.
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But then again, this boy is too fine to be å thief nå! And naturally I hate exchanging words. I dont like embarrasing people. I hate it. So for å moment, I ignored fine boy ånd attended to two other sane customers. He kept shouting like ån agbero.

As the customers were leaving, the next thing I heard was:
" If you dont gimme my change, I will come in through your gate, and slap the hell out of you!"
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Boom! Olympus has fallen! Slap Kwa! You people should know how much I fear slap na.

Instantly, all the crushing cleared. I became angry. He started lookng very super duper ugly in my eyes. As å matter of fact, he became å senior gorilla. Who this wan epp?

As he was still nagging, ånd threatening to beat me, I suprised my entire existence by pulling off my agbada of self control, zipping my purse very well,  opening the protector of the shop widely like an angry wrestler, ånd even going out to meet him.

" Oga! You wan form craze abi? You think say I no know say you be thief? Na because I keep you quiet abi? E be like say you want make tyre end ontop your neck this evening. Do anyhow, you go see anyhow today! Bomb dey your head!" I shouted while hitting my legs on the ground like a mad woman.

"Øya before I scream aloud, you better handover my cocacola can to me before you witness world war 3. Ole! Onyeoshi! You dey mad! You wan slap me? Øya start!  Slap me!" I added furiously. While praying small small in my heart sha. God knows I cant survive slap biko.

I drew close to him, gave him a fierce look, and hijacked his belt. "You dey craze for head. He-diot!" I roared.

Fine boy became shocked. He suddenly became coldwater calm, ånd started talking jejely. He was frightened. I noticed. The more he explained, the more I threatened to scream. I grabbed my Coke from his hand, eyed him, walked back into my shop, ånd locked the protector.

Fineboy laughed. He obviously understood that I don't mix 'crushing' with monetary issues. Leave romance. Money is very key. So he pleaded with me and brought out another 1000 naira, begging me to give him back the coke.

" Na only coke? Cocaine nko? God punish that your mouth. Infact Coke kill you dia! I no dey sell again. How am I even sure your money is not fake this time? If you dont leave this minute, I will unleash our two big dogs on your ugly self!" I fired, while using style to direct his eyes to our beware of dogs kini on our gate.

Fine boy tried to explain and probably apologize but it was too late. I was already shouting Bingo Bingo ånd forming someone that was trying to do fast and unleash two imaginary giant dogs.

So he left. Hurriedly.
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Moral lesson: Not everything that glitters is gold or even gold plated. Some are just cast iron. Mtcheew!

New month resolution: I'm done tripping for fine boys.

Scrap that. I still wantu kiss Brown Chisom Ejike.

Pheww! Guess I'm just messed up beyond remedy afterall! Who 'sweared' for me??

Written by Penocrat Ayomide Ugonna